The Knowing


Relationships are funny things. They run the gamut from friendly banter exchanged between barista and coffee aficionado to intimate secrets shared between friends to understanding (and loving) your spouse’s sighs, head tilts, and vocal inflections. On a daily basis we engage in a number of relationships. Some require nothing more than a smile and a “Have a nice day”. Others are open arms at the end of long, trying day. Arms that hold on while you sob quietly into them. Arms that don’t care that dinner is burning in the oven or on the stove because the embrace is more than dinner.

And then there’s our relationship with God.

If you’d like to read a deeply powerful and piercing foray into a person’s relationship with God, I HIGHLY recommend you read Paul’s series “To see GSHJ less darkly” over at just me being curious. His words gave me so much to ponder.  If you are a shallow swimmer, you might want to grab your scuba gear because his posts burrow into the deep end of the ocean. Just a forewarning: pack extra tanks, because you won’t want to come up for air for awhile.

My relationship with God is very different than Paul’s. As I’m sure yours is as well. That’s what is so beautiful about it. God meets each of us where we are and He works from there.

Relationships are a process. They take time to develop.

Just because I read all of CS Lewis’ books or sing along to every Mercy Me song does not mean I am in a relationship with them. Just because I research someone on Wikipedia or read every biography on Napoleon does not mean I know everything about them. Just because I sit in a pew on Sunday and listen to a sermon about Moses or David or Paul or Jesus, does not mean I know them. Because what I’ve come to realize is that knowing about is not the same as knowing. And relationship, REAL relationship, is in the knowing. Not the knowing about.

My relationship with God began when I accepted Christ as my Savior.

I walked into the room, a single chair in the center with a spotlight illuminating it from above. I hesitantly crawled to the chair, feet leaden, legs wobbly, heart crescendoing into a fortissimo. “Hello?” I called. “Anyone here?” No answer. “Am I too late? The notice said the meeting starts at 7:00 and my watch shows it’s ten till.” I wondered where they had the table of cookies and punch, because I eat when I’m nervous.

“Sit down, please,” a voice called out.

Normally, I would have jumped, but there was something comforting about the voice, something familiar.

“Hello? Do I know you?”

“Not yet. But you will.”

I sat in the chair and looked around the room, hoping to see at least one other person. “I’m not sure this is the right place. I’m looking for the S.A. meeting?”

The voice laughed, a pleasant laugh, like warm apple cider on a wintry day. “Yes, yes indeed. You are in the right place. This is Sinners Anonymous. And we are glad you are here.”

“I expected more people,” I said, tears welling in my eyes. Could I really be the only one who needed this?

“Don’t be afraid. Be strong and courageous, my child. You are making the best decision of your life.”

Just as quickly as the tears started, they stopped. I sat straighter in the chair, courage replacing the feelings of hesitation and awkwardness.

“Are you ready?”

“Yes,” I said. And I was. Instinctively, I said the following words, “My name is Heather, and I am a sinner.”

God bellowed from above, “Hi, Heather!”

“Hi,” I said. “Nice to meet you.”

“I’ve been waiting since the beginning of time for you to come, Heather. And I’m so glad you did,” He said.

I didn’t grab my purse, get up from my chair, flip my hair, and walk away from the room suddenly cured of my desire to sin. I wasn’t spontaneously armed with the necessary tools to be strong and never waver in a world saturated in sin. I didn’t automatically put God first, put His will ahead of mine, crave Him with every ounce of my being. Actually, I felt a little queasy because I understood that my life would forever be changed. I would no longer be the Heather of yesterday, keeping God “out there” somewhere at a seemingly safe distance. I didn’t want God out there anymore. I wanted Him in here, in me, alive and active and working in me and through me.

As with any addiction, I knew my first step was admitting I needed Him. I had no idea what plans God had in store for me, but I knew that the path would not always be easy.

Staying in my chair and facing God was difficult, but I knew that in order to understand myself and my sin and learn how to walk with God, I had to stay. I had to remain in Him. Because God had the answers then and He still has the answers today.

My journey with God began several years ago and every day is a beautiful, scary challenge. Perhaps I will share more with you about my journey from knowing about to knowing. But first, there’s something I need you to know. My name is Heather and I’ve been a sinner all my life.

There. I said it. Now that that’s out of the way, nothing I say should shock you. Well, it might. If so, then I hear there’s a meeting down the hall for righteous naysayers called “Pharisees Anonymous”.


12 thoughts on “The Knowing

  1. I wish there were a “LOVE” button, rather than just a “LIKE”! For me, this post goes so far past like, it’s comical. As you say, each of our experiences of this encounter are different, because He orchestrates the perfect meeting for our needs. I’m just delighted that by whatever means we’ve all gotten into this Feasting Hall at the Family Castle, we’re here now and able to get on about the Family Business! Grace — LM

    • I can’t tell you how much this means to me,,,especially from you. Thank you, LM. I am overjoyed to be a part of this Family and to have a brother like you to feed me daily with your insight, understanding, and wisdom. God definitely met me when I hit the rock bottom of myself, but through His love and mercy I am no longer relying on the rocks of my past but on The Rock.
      Thank you again, LM, for stopping by and for being an inspiration.

  2. Heather, I read this last night – and spotty Wi-Fi got in the way of commenting. I am so glad He intervened (as He usually does). Because this morning – and reading your words again – this thought just fluttered so beautifully:

    Reading these words is like being in the Temple when the veil was slowly and lovingly rent from top to bottom.

    I am in the presence of our Father. Thank you.

    • Thank YOU, Paul. Your wisdom and insight in your posts last week took me into my Father’s presence where I have stayed, basking in the warmth of Him, of His Word.

      You reminded me that I must allow. Always. And that my journey, my relationship with Him, is about me. But it’s also about you and him and her. All of us. Each grain of sand in the bucket is unique and connected.

      Thank you again, Paul, for your kindness and for being an inspiration always.

    • Thank you so much, Laura, for stopping by and for such a nice comment. I stumbled around in the dark for a long time, in and out of “religion” but had no idea that I could have an actual relationship with Him. Hearing Him, meeting Him, and knowing Him has made all the difference. My life does not resemble the “old” me of five years ago. The more I get to know Him, the more I love Him, and the more I love others, too.

      Thanks again for stopping by. 🙂

  3. You’re like a flower, Heather. Growing from a tiny seed, reaching toward the sun, a tightly closed bud – now look at you open and reach for the sky! What a beautiful thing. God tends to your growth. I love that He tends to our growth so much better than we do. Left to me, I’d be watering my own roots with vodka about now …

  4. Time, dedication and sacrifice make for real relationships Heather. God is patient though. He will wait a life time to grow one as long as we are willing to respond. Your post reveals so much love for God and His family. I really enjoyed reading this.

    • Thanks so much, Tom, for stopping by and for such an encouraging comment. And oh how right you are. God will continue to grow us as long as we are willing to let Him. As Paul at “just me being curious” always says: “If we allow.” I want to always allow God to shape and mold me. And always allow His love to flow in me and through me.

      Thanks, Tom, for being such an integral part of His family.

  5. Well Heather you are in good company as we are all sinners. The difference between us and the “world” is that we wish to sin less often in the future than we have in the past. We have higher expectations to meet in the commands of our chosen following of Jesus Christ!


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